The guilt of imagining a life without him

Copyright: <a href=''>wavebreakmediamicro / 123RF Stock Photo</a>I have a secret that I’m not very proud of, something that may shock a few people… every so often I would let myself dream about a life ‘post-Aidan’.

Don’t get me wrong, I never wanted him to die but occasionally I would think about what our life would be like without him.  I would imagine that ‘post-Aidan’ we might move to a new house – one that isn’t so close to the hospital, one that might have carpet or even stairs.  Perhaps we could take a holiday to somewhere other than Bear Cottage.  Maybe I could embark on a new career.

I sometimes hoped that ‘post-Aidan’, Anthony and I could have the life we dreamed of – you know, the one where we go camping and take the kids to sports on the weekends, like something out of a TV show. I imagined that would be our family, version 2.0. Continue reading


What I didn’t do for my sick child

Copyright: miolana / 123RF Stock PhotoOllie had a cold this week and as I was lying in bed listening to him sniffle I felt a sense of relief. Not that I was pleased he was sick, like all parents I hated to see him suffering and unhappy, but relieved that he had a simple cold. It was the first time in six years that a cold hadn’t put me on high alert. Continue reading

Crying wolf – sometimes it’s best to keep quiet

Photo by Nafrea via SXC

Photo by Nafrea via SXC

We all know the story of the boy who cried wolf – the more he cried out for help, the less people believed him.  That’s what it was like when Aidan was sick.

I’m yet to meet a terminally ill child who hasn’t had many close calls; times when their families were told to prepare for the worst but the worst didn’t eventuate. Don’t get me wrong, when your child doesn’t die it’s a huge relief, but at the same time it makes you feel like you are creating a drama over nothing. Continue reading

When it comes to death, is it better to know?


Photo by Vjeran Lisjak via SXC

Photo by Vjeran Lisjak via SXC

Since Aidan’s diagnosis, I have often wondered if it would be easier to lose your child suddenly or live knowing they will one day die.  Honestly, it isn’t even comparable.

Losing a child is gut-wrenching, heartbreaking and a million other adjectives all thrown into one and knowing is no more, or no less, painful than not knowing. They’re just different kinds of bad. Continue reading