I had held high hopes for this year with Aidan starting school and the prospect of a new baby making us a stronger family unit, but my body seems to have other ideas. On December 27, I was admitted to hospital with hypertension, or high blood pressure. The day had already started badly with Aidan’s feeding tube blocking at 4am which consequently required a trip to the emergency department at 7am.
My hypertension could have been the result of Aidan’s numerous medical issues in the week leading up to Christmas but in all likelihood the rise was bound to happen as I progressed further into my pregnancy. As many of you know, Anthony and I agonised over the decision to have another baby. We knew there would be risks given my previous history but were confident they were risks and not certainties. Many women with preeclampsia have gone on to have healthy pregnancies and I hoped that I would be one of them. However, as doctors set about giving me steroids, we were suddenly faced with the prospect of another premature baby.
The hardest thing about my hospital was admission was that at the same time the doctors were finding me a bed, Anthony was at work and Aidan was getting his feeding tube replaced at another hospital 30 minutes away. With neither of us there to advocate for Aidan, the feeding tube replacement didn’t go to plan. I was left trying to resolve the issues from my hospital bed while Anthony raced to and from Aidan’s hospital trying to find a way to fix it. It was not the first time during this pregnancy I had chosen Ollie over Aidan and it broke my heart. And when Aidan cried his heart out at leaving me for yet another night, I really regretted falling in pregnant in the first place and then immediately regretted my feelings towards my unborn baby. To say I was emotional is an understatement.
Thankfully the doctors have given me leave from hospital. However, with visits three days a week and a requirement to rest, the prospect of me continuing to work is questionable. I can’t bear to think of the financial strain this will put on us. There are of course plenty of ways the situation could be worse but for the moment it’s hard to think clearly when you have no idea what the next few days hold. My resolve to keep going has been worn down by this latest bump in our lives. My plans for a normal pregnancy have been shattered and it feels that once again God has forsaken us. Life has thrown another curve ball at us and this time I’m struggling to catch it.