If I had the choice?

Photo by CarlyMarie of carlymarieprojectheal.com

Photo by CarlyMarie of carlymarieprojectheal.com

There’s a quote that did the rounds on Facebook recently for parents who have lost a child – it simply says “I would still choose you” and it got me thinking. Would I still choose Aidan if I had the opportunity?

At the risk of causing a major uproar and being bombarded with hate mail, I really don’t know if I would. It honestly depends on what day you ask me.

Aidan is the most amazing little boy and I love his strong and funny personality. In fact, like all parents, I wonder if I could ever love another child as much. He has certainly taught me more about life in his five years than in the 29 years prior to his birth, but if given the choice who wouldn’t take the easy option? I understand that there are people who love to push themselves and climb the world’s biggest mountains but, while I’m not afraid of hard work, if there was an option to take a helicopter to the summit, I’d probably take it. Looking after a sick child is physically, financially and above all, emotionally draining.

Now that I know and love Aidan, I certainly don’t want to lose him. But what if I didn’t know him, if he had not survived his traumatic birth? Chances are my life would be very different today. I would certainly be a different mother, wife and friend. Perhaps I would be happier, probably richer and just maybe I would be more fun and relaxed. Occasionally I allow myself to dwell on these ‘what ifs’, but only occasionally.

Without getting too philosophical, I do believe that Aidan was given to Anthony and I for a reason and our lives are richer for it. But would I still choose Aidan? It really isn’t a straightforward answer. I would definitely choose his personality and caring nature but I definitely wouldn’t choose his disease and I certainly wouldn’t choose to watch him suffer again.


4 thoughts on “If I had the choice?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s